O Christmas Tree

Christmas and me just aren't mixing this year. I have never been a person that liked Christmas (okay, quit cussing the screen). Even as a small child I always enjoyed getting presents just like any kid but would hate all the festivities of it. I couldn't get into it. This year has been exceptionally hard. I didn't want to even do Christmas. I've only bought a few things and told everyone I know, not to give us anything for Christmas.



This is thanks for my sweet husband for forming the tree and my three adorable boys who decorated it. Skyler did hand me my special ornament and I placed it on the tree but it was nice to have my family pull through for me. I don't know why Christmas is so hard for me. I hate that it has become so commercialized. We have tried as a family to do some service every year to bring the true spirit of giving for the right reasons.

Thanks Johnny, Jordan, Skyler, and Dawson for putting up the Christmas tree for me. I really love sitting in the front room every night in silence and having the tree lights on. It brings a sense of peace to me. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone.

My only advice is don't let your children grow up to fast. Enjoy them while they are young. I have a lot of regrets because I feel my children have grown up to fast. On a positive note, I have a choice and I chose to turn it around and make it special and change the way I see things and I appreciate my little family more than ever. They truly are amazing people and all hold a very special place in my heart.

I love you John, Jordan, Skyler, and Dawson! And your all I need for Christmas....
Merry Christmas to all and all a good night.

Twilight

I have to say that I have never read any of the books but have just heard people talking about it. I only knew a little about the plot. I really never thought that I was going to go see it but my mom read the book and my dad wouldn't take her so she asked me to go see it with her.

It was really good. I liked it but now I want to know what happens next and I'm not a reader. This always happens to me just like The Work and the Glory series also. So my plea is that someone will fill me in on the rest of the story because I will never read the books.

Rainbow Room

What a beautiful morning! This is what I woke up to on Saturday morning in my room. I called the boys in all they were all memorized by it. It was the sunlight hitting just right off a CD on the floor to make a rainbow by my closet and it only lasted about 20 minutes. How wonderful! I needed this after a long night and the hospital.

Letter between Brothers

A little background is that when Skyler goes in for surgery Jordan has a really hard time. While at school, Jordan was talking about Skyler and asked his teacher if he could write him a letter and this is what it said in his own words:

Dear Skyler,

I really hope you are going to be all right. I love you so much. When you get home I will give you my Deoxys pokemon cards that you want. I will draw your most favorite Pokemon and I will draw it and color it. I am going to give you my money. If mom says No I do not care because I really want you to have it all. I will read you storys in til you go to the hospital. I will help you with your homework.

from: Jordan
to: my little brother name Skyler

Jordan wrote this letter in cursive so Skyler couldn't read it so Jordan read it to him. After he was done he hugged him and was crying and telling him that he loved him and hoped he would be alright. Very hard to hold my composure. Skyler didn't know what to think. Jordan has always worried about Skyler in surgery but this time I believe was a little different for him as well. Jordan and Skyler have became closer lately and Dawson has been the odd man out. I hope I will always remember this day.

Skyler's surgery #21

Surgery time again! Skyler was asking weeks ago to have it so he didn't have to have it again for 6 months. I thought I was doing good with all the stress but apparently I wasn't because I started fighting with those that I love.


Skyler listening to my mp3 player before surgery.


Skyler hanging in there after surgery and throwing up several times. He's a trooper. I kept telling him that he was stronger than me. He smiled for one picture and I told him that he didn't have to smile.

I have to say for the most part our family does pretty good with knowing that Skyler has to have surgery and we try to move on quickly from it back to normal. This surgery had many ups and downs for us. Skyler woke up at 6 am before John got home and decided that he would eat M&M's. He had just finished when John walked in the door and said nothing to eat or drink. Too late. We decided to go to the hospital anyway because his surgery was not scheduled until 11 am but when we arrived the dr. was running behind. The dr. was teasing him that he's a veteran but yet he ate M&M's.

You know you've been to the hospital to many times when the nurses and doctors remember you and one even thought I worked there along with some other people.

This surgery was a little harder for me than usual because as we sat and were waiting, Skyler and I were talking and you could tell that he was scared but he wouldn't talk or admit it. He got his IV in like a champ. He only said ouch. What a brave little man! I asked Skyler if he knew we loved him and he said he didn't know. My heart sunk. I really wanted to cry but had to maintain my composure for him. I told him that I loved him and all the people that loved him.

As they put him to sleep, I was a wreck watching him fade away to sleep. Fortunately, the dr. told the nurses to come get me before he woke up and it would be easier and so I was the last person to see him before he went to sleep (long story) and the first to see him when he woke up.

As I was waiting in the waiting room for the doctor to come tell me how surgery went the loneliness set in greater than it ever had before. I looked around the room and realized I was alone. Here were all these families and friends comforting each other and here I was all alone. I guess these surgeries are kind of routine for us but I realized that the risks and feelings are still the same. We need to know we are blessed and start making sure Skyler receives his preisthood blessing even if it is his 100th surgery.

Anyway, surgery went well with a few ups and downs but we came home Friday morning and he bounced back faster than ever before. He was riding his bike on Saturday and went to all of church on Sunday. He set a goal that he would be back in school by Monday and I didn't think that he would make it with all the stuff this weekend. But he's at school so far so good.

Thanks Skyler! Also, thanks Heavenly Father for sending me this angel to continue to bless my life and show me the way back home.

Skyler's First Lost Tooth

Skyler was determined to loose a tooth like all of his friends. He started to wiggle his teeth and grandma went to the store and bought apples for him. He came home and said, "Mom, look I have a loose tooth!" By this time the tooth was practically out so he decided that he would pull it out after some coercing from all of us. At first he was upset because that was on a Saturday and he thought that the toothfairy would come before he had a chance to show all his friends and family.

We assured him that the toothfairy won't come until it was under your pillow and your ready. So after he showed everyone the little stinker put it under his pillow and no one new and he woke up a very upset little boy. Let's just say the toothfairy make it up to him.

Halloween

I know I'm very, very late but I wanted to post it. We decorated cookies at Grandma Little's for our annual tradition. We went picking out pumpkins at the place I went as a kid and have many memories from there we went to the Punkinaze to go down the slide and cornmaze. I was the only one who didn't do the slide because of the recent surgery (kind of a bummer). John carving pumpkins with the kids so they could enter them in the contest

at the school carnival. They all won! I can't remember what catergories but it was fun to support the new school. And of course, Halloween night. I didn't get pics of the trunk or treat at the church but that was fun too. Thanks Jen for making my costume even though I don't feel like the super mom.

Proud Mama!!!

I want my boys to know how proud we are of them. John and I were looking at one of our old camera's yesterday and realized just how fast the kids have grown up. I was really having a hard time with it. I am so lucky to have these three special boys. They all have touched my life for different reasons and at times when I needed them the most.

Jordan,
I want you to know how proud I am of you. You were dealt a pretty tough life from the beginning but you've stayed strong. You were my light when I didn't have one. You were the reason that I went on living at times. In your 10 years you have been through more than a person your age should have to. You have had to deal with a father who decided to leave us. We know are blessed with an amazing man who you call "Daddy". We were so lucky because they are lots of kids who weren't so lucky. You made me grow up and realize that I wanted better for the both of us.

I look at you and realize that you are so much like me. You have surprised me so much lately about respect and helping others. You have chose not to be around people who have unappropriate language and behavior both at school and not.

I have enjoyed watching you and Skyler bond even if it is through Pokemon cards. I was so proud of you at Chucky Cheese when you used all your tokens and then went and got your prize and then helped your little brother without being asked.

I appreciate you helping me watch your brothers. Drawing them pictures even when you don't want to. Getting me icepacks, water, or whatever I need when I'm not feeling well. I should be taking care of you and instead you are always concerned about me and how I'm feeling.

Slow down your growing up way too fast. You came to us tonight at grandma's and said that sometimes you want to be with the adults and talk with us. Grandpa turned to me and said boy, did he grow up fast. He's right buddy! But your becoming an amazing young man that I love. Always remember our saying: I love you forever, for always, and no matter what.


Skyler,
You came into this world a fighter like your mama. You always had that sense about you that people want to be around. I can't believe that next month you will be going in for your 22nd or 23rd surgery. Boy, not many people can say that by the time they are six. Heavenly Father knew exactly that we needed you at that time in our lives. You were our angel that gave us hope. You pulled this family together and made us fight for all we had. We look back now and can't believe we all made it. I know this is just the beginning for you.

I remember when you had your anxiety disorder and was always afraid that people were going to hurt you and now look at you. You are so compassionate and caring. Your chosing to step outside of your comfort zone and make lots of friends.

I was such a proud mama to hear you sing the second verse of "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" and to hear your part in the Primary Program about you knowing that you'll be resurrected one day and have a perfect body. I know you believe that. We both know that God made you special by making your back crooked. Your deep heartfelt prayers that always seem to amaze me. The words that come out of your mouth that I don't even know. The respect that you show others.

I love your smile. It can light up a room. I'm proud of all your accomplishments in life as well. You have a special bond with people that I only dream of having. It's truly a gift. There are times that I don't feel worthy to be your mother.

Dawson,
My little cuddle bug. Heavenly Father knew I needed a break but I think he got it all wrong (just kidding). I love your mischevious little smile. We have been so blessed to have you be so healthy.

Your not my baby any more. You truly give us a run for our money but your were a welcomed addition and worth every penny. You bring spunk in our family which at times if much needed.

I'm so proud of you for memorizing your part in primary and for giving talks and for bearing your testimony. It's hard for mom to get up there but you are always so faithful in saying, "Is it testimony day?" "I want to say my testimony?" You are a true example to me.

I have enjoyed the last little while with you one on one. Your such a stinker but I'm glad your my little stinker. It seems like yesterday you were born. It's hard to imagine that your already 4 1/2. I love to watch you sleep so peacefully. Your so sweet and adorable.



I'm so proud of all my boys for some of the same reasons so I didn't repeat those but for different reasons too. I know I've forgotten a lot of things and so I might have to add to this but I know that you each came into my life at just the right time. They were all for different reasons and seasons but I'm grateful and proud to be their mother. Even though, I'm the mean mom, I know I'm teaching them right. And I know that they will probably come back when there grown and tell me all the things that I did wrong too. But I know that I've done the best I can with what I know and have. I've been so proud of the way you all have handled yourselves lately in certain situations. I have your primary teachers and school teachers tell me how well you behave. I don't know they're trick but I know it started here at home. You all are incredible and I will always love you forever, for always, and no matter what. I hope you remember that I will always be your best friend. I hope you don't get to old to want to talk to mom... I wanted a girl and I know you all did to but I will always be a proud mama of you three... Thank you God for MY BOYS!

Love Mom

Trials and Blessing

I have had so many thoughts running through my head the past few weeks and have been consumed by life. I am trying to change some things in my life and my perspective about the way I view things. This is very hard when you lived your life thinking one way and now your trying to change. Fall time is a very hard time for me. It brings back a lot of past memories of some really hard times in my life. I didn't even realize that I struggled so much until last year at this time. I'm trying to keep my blog as positive as I can but at the same time be real and true to myself because this is for me and is like my journal.

I have been so blessed lately to be able to see the Lord's hand in some things in my life. I have been asking for this and have always felt that I never have received answers or inspirations. But I know now that I was wrong. I wasn't in tune at those times or didn't realize that it was the Lord's hand in it until later.

About 2 weeks ago John and I were driving home from a dental appointment and we came off the freeway into Riverdale and there was a man with a sign saying something like "Hard times, anything helps". I'm not quite sure what it said but I looked around the van and noticed that we had a few dollars and I told John to give it to this man. John said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Yes!" because I never have done this before in the whole 8 years John and I have been together. I said to John to give it to him before the light changed but John waited and the light turned green and John gave this man the money. Well, wouldn't you know it a truck ran the red light and if we wouldn't have gave the guy the money or John wouldn't have waited it would have t-boned our van and hit John right on. I know that Heavenly Father inspired us that day.

I have a tendency to think negative about things and overanalyze everything. I always think that other people's situations are so much better than mine and they don't have relationship problems like I do, and so on and so forth. I had a very wise friend tell me after knowing me quite well that we were pretty normal and I didn't believe him until just recently.

I know Satan is real. I know that he is attacking the family. And it's working and to the best of people. Foundations that I thought could never be shook have been. Satan had a grasp on me for a long time. Many of you don't realize the past I have lived but I am blessed to have lived it. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for his plan and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations I have been through. I have been judged by many. People who said that I would never make it. People who can't believe that I am married in the temple. I am more empathetic and compassionate because of what I've been through.

I can help others through similiar situations and truly know how they feel. I don't understand the whole Plan of Salvation but I believe that I chose to have some things happen to me and to what extent I don't really know. I have struggled with mental illness for a long time. I know there are a lot of stigmas out there about his and I have to say that I've questioned myself and have had to come to grips with it. I have also been physically sick with headaches for 21 years now.

Through my pain and suffering I have two children that suffer. One in silence that many don't know about totally and of course the other that is quite obvious. To me, there is not one that is more disabling than the other. They are just different. It's hard to see your child hurt and know that you can't take away the pain.

My sister-in-law put a quote on her blog and I think it applies here and sorry Steph, I had to post it because it fits right in with what I'm feeling.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

President Thomas S. Monson

For our family it's not easy. I know it will be worth it. At times it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. A few days ago, I was struggling really bad and was really sick. I wanted for my Heavenly Father to just take me home. I'm sick of living in pain. I wish I could say that I was one of those people who never murmured of word of complaint but I can't and I won't hide it, though I'm learning to. It's just nice to know I'm not alone.

The Savior said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

BOYS NIGHT OUT!

Now this is my idea of a boy's night out. I have to say that my husband is superman. He worked all night on Thursday night and then we had to be at the hospital at 7:30 am Friday morning.

When we got home from the hospital he took the boys to the store to buy the ingredients to Rachel's chocolate lasagna cake that I really wanted (see his blog myamazingfamily.blogspot.com to see how that turned out).

I was proud of him for trying this recipe. Although it didn't work out like he would have liked it too. It really did taste good. My husband is amazing. Thank you John for spoiling me even when you shouldn't.


He then went outside and started setting up the tent with the boys. He dropped them off at primary program practice and only got 1 hr of sleep and then slept outside with the boys until about one in the morning. John said that they probably would have stayed outside all night but Skyler was complaining that he was cold so being the good dad that he is.


He brought all the boys in and about four in the morning Skyler woke up crying that he wasn't sleeping outside. He didn't remember being cold and was mad that daddy brought them in. I'm so proud of my boys for working together to put up the tent. I'm proud of John and Jordan for completing a scout requirement. It was nice to see the fun that the boys had. Oh, I left out the part that they chose to stay home and sleep outside with Dad when they'd been asking to spend the night at Grandma's for a couple of weeks. Good choice boys.









I was trying to sneak out after they went to sleep and get a picture but it was pitch black and the dog was jumping all over them so this is the best I got but it will do.


How precious and priceless!

Yes, SURGERY again...

We have decided that the "s" word is a swear word in our house. Can I say how much I hate Davis Hospital from how cheap they are with these cheezy paper gowns to there very rude post-op nurses. But on a good note, I love my doctor and the anesthesiologist was very nice and gave me options who which now I am very grateful for. (Long story)
I'm just glad that it's over. I had sinus surgery and was pretty anxious because of my anxiety about not being able to breath and pain control but it went pretty well. I just have to say sorry to my family for being a little cranky. I know after surgery I am not always the easiest person to be around. I hate general anesthesia, nurses and doctors that think they know you better than you. Don't respect you for knowing what you do... The ego's that get in the way of patient care really makes me mad. But so far so good but I'll find out Friday how successful the Dr. thinks the surgery was.

Wish me luck..

Chucky Cheese

Some friends and us decided to go have some fun at Chucky Cheese. The kids had so much fun. Here are just a few pictures and if you want all of them email me at nikkinjohn@msn.com. It was nice to get to know some of the couples that we didn't know very well and still enjoy the ones we did. Yes, it was hectic and crazy busy but for us the fun, happiness, and memories created out weighed all the money, dirt, and whatever else (don't like to think about that). My family had fun. It was nice to see Jordan helping Dawson spend his coins and then help him decide what he wanted. Were sad to see the Johnson's leaving because we were just really starting to get to know them and we know that they will be missed by all... (Amanda, keep up the bloggin' despite Nate's teasing) Were happy for you guys and keep in touch. Thanks to all for an eventful night of laughs that I really needed.

SNOW in OCTOBER!!

Snow in October and on Sunday when you have early morning church! Well let's just say I wasn't very happy. As we arrived at church and it was still snowing 3 hours later for a total of 11 inches. And my husband had the opportunity to go out and do fast packs in this lovely white stuff because there wasn't enough young men. Late to nap and early to rise... For all of you who don't know, John has to work Sunday night and so Sunday's are not always my favorite day because no matter what John has to have a nap. We have to go to church because John is Gospel Doctrine teacher and if he doesn't nap then it means he is up for about 20 or more hours. So needless to say I needed a nap and the boys are getting old enough that they can pretty much care for themselves. Hooray for these days!



Boys will be boys. They had been bugging me all day to go play in the snow. We sometimes go to my mom's on Sunday's for dinner and I was very tired from staying up to late and getting up to early so when we got home from church John and I took a little nap.



When we woke up Jordan said, "Grandma wants you to call her before we leave!" I was very suspicious and thought this was very strange because I didn't hear the phone ring and I always hear it ring. My kids have my parents phone number memorized so when there in trouble or something they always go sneak the phone and call. You guessed it, they called Grandma and told her that I told them that they couldn't play in the snow. I got up and called and "Grandma saved the day again." And the rest is history....



My angel making an angel!

SO FUNNY!

Okay, I admit I'm addicted between emailing and blogging! My dear friend, Amber emailed this to me and I thought it was so funny that I would just post it! Sorry for those of you that I forwarded it too already!


THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects ,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the s ix weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performanc e.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

Attention Fellow Bloggers and Friends

Please feel free to comment at any time! You don't have to be a blogger to comment all you have to do is hit comments and then leave your comment under anonymous...

I encourage all my friends to comment! This is for me and I do it because I like to and it gives me an out but also it's nice to hear and read comments from others.

I like reading comments on others blogs. (I know, it's blog stalking or something like that) But really, it gives me perception sometimes when I don't have it.

So Mom, Steph, Rachel!!! LOL :0) YOUR ALL ON NOTICE AND THAT'S AN ORDER! Just Kidding! Thanks to all you who do check and I would hope that you would keep checking.

I love you all!

Sneaky Boy and Surgery Update

I was sitting here this morning just checking email, browsing blogs and the internet and I could hear something and realized that I hadn't seen Dawson in awhile. So this is what I found. My sneaky little boy had gotten a DVD player and DVD and was quietly laying in his room with the door part way shut. BUSTED!








But it was still cute! Dawson your so adorable. I want to take this moment to say you bring joy into my life.
Just look at that smile! Who can resist you when you smile? It's so contagious and it hits me at all the right moments. When I need you the most all you have to do is smile.

I love you Dawson Ty Jeske!

This is so funny! Everytime John gets into bed the dog has to be right against him. It's like he's invading her space because really 5 nights a week that is her side of the bed. So when John is home and we are both in bed she always has to be touching him and if he moves then she'll move. LOL :) I think that it is hilarious. What a moment? Daddy and Lucky




Surgery Update:

I want to say thank you to my sweet husband for posting on my site while I was layed up. He has his own blog that he started awhile ago and was debating on whether to share mine or do his own. I finally yesterday got his background that he wanted to partially work so I think he'll keep his own. Okay, sorry I get sidetracked. LOL :) (long phone conversations) Surgery really went really well. Actually, it's like I didn't have surgery because I was in more pain before the surgery than after.
I have been naughty already and have been messing with the incisions and I intend to take the stitches out myself. (won't be a first) To clarify though, I am still having headaches everyday and they are still pretty bad. They have put me on a new meds and they aren't working either.

So many of you are probably asking what's next. I really don't know. I am open to suggestions. I might decide to trial this surgery again by MY doctor to see if it was a fluke or if it really did work. And if it does then get it reimplanted again. I am not quite sure. I'm desperate to find relief. I am not sure how about searching for someone out of state. My case is really complicated and a lot of doctors won't even touch it. Really I don't have the money to fly all over to see if they are any good or not. I haven't ruled anything out though. I have taken all the drugs, done all the procedures, tests, and surgeries including alternative medicine. Right now I am just living day by day and am grateful for another day with my family...

I have to admit that it's been so hard on my family, extended family included. I am trying to endure well but it's hard. There are times when I am in so much pain that I want to die. I have people that pray that I wake up every morning. I have children that worry themselves sick about me, that pray for me every night that I will get better. I have a husband that has to work and then come home and try to sleep a little and then take care of all the household things because it's so hard on me to do them. (Thanks, Johnny for doing it so gracefully) Most of the time I'm holding on by a thread. But yet I'm blessed to have another day!

Nikki's surgery

Yep! It's John again, I am posting to give the update on Nikki's surgery. She had her neuro-stimulator removed today. Saturday evening she started developing some severe pain at and between 2 of the incisions from when it was implanted. It wasn't working anyway, and because of the sudden onset of pain they decided to remove the device. In a way we are bummed because we wanted it to work sooooo bad, but since it wasn't it might as well be out.

Here she is before surgery:



and after:



The surgery seems to have gone very well, you almost can't even tell she had surgery by looking at the pictures. It must have been the anesthesia/drugs, because she has struggled a little since we left the surgical center. Mostly tired and nauseated. I'm trying to get her as much rest as possible, but she has already talked about getting out of the house. It will probably do her some good, she spends way too much time not feeling well. I hope she feels up to getting out, but I don't want her to push it...

Thank you to everyone who has her/us in your thoughts and prayers! We know we are blessed because of you!

Web site about Skyler's stuff

Okay, I just want to warn you that Nikki isn't writing this. It's John, I've decided to interject on our family blog. I still haven't decided if I am going to post on here regularly, or post on the blog I started a couple years ago, but didn't keep up on...

A couple of weeks ago Nikki decided to google "VEPTR", which is the name for the device(s) that Skyler has implanted. She found a web site that provides information about the device, and includes a forum for patients and their families to talk, ask questions, and get support from others going through similar things. The web site started back in 2004, but we just found out about it. It has been really neat to see(pictures) and talk to others we have met through our journey, but hadn't talked to in a long time, and to meet some new people. For anyone who may want to know more about the device, what it does and how it helps, click here. I would also like to post some pictures here but I haven't been able to find where we saved them. The only thing I have found is the Power Point presentation I did as part of a research paper at Weber. I don't know how to post it so everyone can view it, does any know how I could? Or how to pull the pictures out of it?

This web site is great, but I don't think we can handle getting on every day. We have been so blessed that Skyler is otherwise pretty healthy, and that he is so tough, we don't have to think about his issues daily. We focus on them right before and after surgery, but not so much the rest of the time that we are constantly overwhelmed by what he has to go through.

My Significant Other

Jen saw this survey on my SIL's page and I thought it was a cute way to pay tribute to your hubby so sorry Jen, I decided so copy you. John hasn't decided yet on whether he is going to share my blog or keep going on his own that he started a long time ago. I am honored to have a husband like John. Many of you don't know John because he doesn't allow people to really truly know him. You might be surprised but maybe not.

1. What is his name? John Tyson Jeske
2. Who eats more? Definitely John, the guy can't get enough food. He's always eating probably due to running all night being a milkman and all.
3. Who said I love you first? John did and I said okay and shut the door of my apartment as fast as I could. It took me a little longer because I couldn't believe that their were actually good men out there. But I sure was one of the lucky ones that snagged a keeper.
4. Who is taller? He is, but I like it that way.
5. Who is smarter? Well that depends on what your talking about. John is book smart but I am commonsense smart is what we call it.
6. Who is more sensitive? This one is a hard one because we are both sensitive but I still play the tough person and he's just quiet but I believe that were both quite sensitive.
7. Who does the laundry? Definitely him! I hate laundry. Did I say I hate laundry? I would rather clean the whole house than do laundry....
8. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Well it depends on the way our room is arranged. But for awhile now John does.
9. Who pays the bills? I do. John doesn't want anything to do with money.... It's frustrating at times but we deal.
10. Who cooks more? John does almost all the cooking. I was smart and taught him how to cook all that I knew how to cook and now he cooks and learns new things but if I had to I probably could manage. Not that it would be any good.
11. What meals do you cook together? We usually don't. I pitch in every once in awhile or I'll cook if he needs to sleep a little longer.
12. Who is more stubborn? I don't know. We both are but in different ways. But if I had to say one then it would have to be him.
13. Who is the first to admit they're wrong? John! I'm not good with sorry or admitting that I'm wrong but I'm working on this.
14. Who has more siblings? John has three older brothers and I only have one brother but if you count all the people I consider to be sisters (or like sisters) then I do.
15. Who wears the pants in the relationship? Me! Work in progress!!!
16. What do you like to do together? I really like talking with John if I can get him to talk. Also we like to sit down and watch TV. We love to hang out with friends too but were pretty boring.
17. Who eats more sweets? This one is a hard one because when I first met John, he was very good about not eating sweets but I corrupted him. So I'd have to say it depends on the time. He's pretty consistent now but mine comes and goes depending on things.
18. Guilty pleasures? Going out to eat! There's probably many more but I can't tell all my secrets.
19. How did you meet? We were set up by my mom and a couple that worked with my mom at IRS. They did karoake and somewhat knew him. So yes, we met at a bar but it's not all bad.
20. Who asked who out first? This is kindof ironical and funny at the same time. I met John just to check him out and so that he could check me out at karoake. I danced with him that night and I left early to get home to Jordan. I was really still dating Jordan's biological father. Well, John didn't ask for my number and then my mom went out of town for a week and he couldn't get my number. When he did finally get my number, Jordan's biological father got sent back to jail and John called me. Great timing huh :)
21. Who kissed who first? He did.
22. Who proposed? He did in an unusual place but he asked my parents to be there. But we both had decided that we wanted to be together before that.
23. His best features? John is amazing. Really, having to deal with are whole situation and having to provide for us knowing that we all are relying on him. He is very devoted and caring. He would do anything for his family. Considering the circumstances he's incredible for what he does and doesn't do. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. I can't say that it hasn't been hard and there's thing that he needs to work on but don't we all. I love him for him. He is gentle, kind, caring, considerate, romantic (yes, ladies very romantic). I could keep going but I won't.

John,
I just want you to know that I love you. I am so proud of you for all that you have done for me and our family. I wanted to thank you for all you do for me and the kids. Thank you for getting up with the kids in the morning on the weekends, for working extra hard to get them off to school so I don't have to get up, for taking the carpool, for getting me a mug every night before you go to work, for cleaning, cooking, and most of all for being there for me (especially lately) when I need you. Thank you for being willing to do everything and anything for me. That is a quality I'd love to have and most women wish they had a man like you (but sorry, your taken and I'm not giving you up). We have been dealt a hard hand but we have made it this far. I know that together we can do anything. I meant everything I said above. I can't explain to you what the last two weeks have meant to me. (You know what I mean.) You are getting things in order and doing what you've always known. You are a good husband, father, son, and friend. No matter what anyone else tells you. Sure things are hard but you have a way of getting through them so graciously. I love you for what you have brought into my life. I don't know where I'd be know without you. You were my lifesaver at the time. You gave me two amazing children. And you accepted Jordan as your own. Believe it or not a lot of people would not have done what you have done. Knowing we are now an eternal family means more than I can say. It was a long road to get here but I'm glad I did it with you.

Love Nikki

I think I'm losing my mind!

Well, I got the name of the doctor in Denver that maybe could help me revise my implant and do another revision surgery so that my neurostimulation device might work for my headaches. So yesterday I spent about 6 hours looking for him on google and all over the internet. I called hospitals, clinics, friends who lived close to Denver and I even called his home I guess. Well I was very frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, discouraged and went and woke up John. We sat down at the internet and I showed him what I was doing and I swear it wasn't there before but the first thing that popped up on google was this doctor's institute. I immediately called and ask what I needed to do and they told me. I had a little hope. I'm trying to stay under control and not get my hopes up there to much because we just don't know yet. He has to review my file and see if he will even take my case. He is the best in the world at this procedure. He has been to, I believe about 15 or so different countries and lectured on this and other things. People fly from all over the U.S. to have them do their surgery. I hoping that they get contracted with my insurance soon and that I will be flying to Denver by the end of the year to have another surgery. WOW! I never thought that I would be so excited about having another very painful surgery but I guess you have to risk to get the reward and the reward would be worth all the risk if I could have the quality of life. I need to be healthy to raise these three amazing boys that I have been blessed with. I need to be able to be the wife that my adorable husband deserves. I need to be able to be me. The me that is inside just itching to get out. I want to be known as me and not as the sick me or my illness. So please pray for me that this process flys by and that the doctor will take my case. I'll keep you updated.

Friends

My mom emailed this to me and told me that I needed to read this right now. She was right. She knows my struggles in my life right now as well as many others that do too and this was exactly what I needed to hear. I never feel accepted and I analyze everything to much. I look at people and automatically assume that they don't like me or they don't want to be my friend. I am working on this and I am realizing that Heavenly Father puts people in your life sometimes for a short time and for a specific reason and it okay to move on. Here is the email my mom sent to me and it fits perfectly.


GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another, 'Let's fight together,¢ Another, 'Let's walk away together.'
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier, Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
But for many, it's wrapped up in several...
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,
AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO,
Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
To make a difference.

Even after reading this I still am trying to grasp the concept that it's okay. But also to have boundaries with those friends so that you don't smother them and that you will appreciate them for what they have done for you and they can appreciate you for what you have to offer them. Thank you to all my friends! Thanks to my mom for sending me this for raising me, for sticking by me when she was my only friend. Even though I didn't have a sister and I don't have a daughter. I have an amazing father who is a great listener and has help me through some of the roughest times in my life. My mother that was there for me when I didn't know how to be a mom. That helped to raise Jordan when I was a single mom; she was always there helping me and supporting me. I am also thankful for an amazing brother that was always there for me to protect me and let me be the tag along. I know for him it was very hard to be my brother but he did it and didn't complain about it... I love you Bret. Your an amazing brother and I want to thank you. I am so glad that we are trying to become closer. I know one day I will get daughter-in-laws and I will treat them like my own. I have been blessed to have many good friends in my life. Some of which have moved on now but they still left an imprint in my life. Others that I talk to every now and then and some of the fortunate few who will pick up the phone and get stuck on the phone for hours. LOL :) I love each and every one of you for different reasons. There are people that have influence my life and reached out to me that have no idea what impression they have made on my life. I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life....

Health Update

We have been hoping for the best with my surgery having to be redone but it looks as though it didn't work again. This is very frustrating and discouraging. I went and saw my doctor on Thursday and he doesn't think that the leads are in the right place again. I spoke briefly to my programmer and I might have an option to go to Denver, Colorado and have the doctor who has performed the most of these all over the body do mine again. We are not quite sure yet but we are leaving our options open. This was quite a big blow for me. It's been hard for me in knowing what the right thing for me to do is. But I want the best of the best if I am going to have this redone again for the 3rd official time the 5th time total. So we'll keep our fingers crossed that it will all work out the way it is suppose to one way or another.

How Blessed We Are?

The last few weeks have been very spiritual for me. I am so very glad to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know that my family will be together forever. I know that if we but endure our reward shall be great. Even though at times I need to be reminded of this. These few events happened at just the right time. Life's been pretty hard for my family and this just reminded us what we always knew.



About two weeks ago one of my best friends, Robin was sealed to her sweetheart Ryan in the Ogden Temple. Robin's two girls Cristyn and Abbey from a previous marriage was also sealed to them. They are also expecting a new arrival in February. Ryan also had his little boy Spencer there who could observe. It brought back so many memories for me because John and I had not been to a live sealing since our own back in 2002. To see these Cristyn, Abbey, and Spencer all walk in dressed in white took my breathe away. I was remembering when they brought Jordan and Skyler in to be sealed to John and I. This has been a long time coming and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Robin and I have been through so much together and it was nice to be able to be there to support her and her family. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry but as soon as it was over and we offered our condolences I told her I would talk to her later or I'd cry and then I looked at her dad and the tears started to flow as he put his arms around me. I was so glad to be able to be a part of this special day.



So last Sunday we had the missionaries speak in our ward. The spirit was so strong. I can't say when the last time I felt the spirit that strong. That night there was a youth fireside and John and I had been tetering back and forth about going or not but we decided that we needed to be there. It was amazing. T minus 5 was there (an LDS group), about 70-90 missionaries, Roy High choir, and the Ogden Mission President and his wife. We were just sitting there before the meeting and a gentlemen came up to us and was talking to us; I had already glanced over the program and when he came up to us I realized that it was the Ogden Mission President. There were hundreds of people there and he came and spoke to us. John didn't know who he was until after but what an experience. The missionaries all sang Call to Serve (Sorry John) but I looked over at John after that and he was crying. He said, "I'm going to be a wreck when our kids go on missions." Then the whole congregation sang it with them and the spirit was so strong. I have always been a person that feels the spirit through music and boy did the spirit testify to me.

Then in Relief Society on Sunday they announced that we had been given the opportunity to do RS to the nursing home and they still needed sisters to help. Well when the role came around to me there were still some empty spaces so I went out of my comfort zone and volunteered to say a prayer (which is very hard for me to do in public). I was very nervous in not knowing what to expect. I even had an out because a dear sister from our ward showed up to help that didn't sign up and I said she could take my place saying the prayer but then said no, because I need the blessings and the experience. I was so glad that I stayed and participated. It was a great experience and it was hard to leave those sisters there. I could go on and on but I won't bore everyone to death. I'm just thankful that I took a risk and I was greatly blessed for it.

The Boy's First Day at School

Addicted

I just wanted to say that everyone was right. Reading and posting is addicting. I was already addicted to reading and now I am just overwhelmed about what to post and where to start. Thank you to the friends that have reached out to me. I am amazed at how many people blog now days and the cool little things that you can find to put on your blog. I'm still learning how to put things on and take things off and so on and so forth but I'm having a blast reading about other people and taking insight from people I don't even know. I hope that doesn't sound bad or nosy but it's neat to read about different people and their lives and the way they might have dealt with a particular situation. I am going to try to put some cool sites on my blog so stay tuned for those.

On a more personal note: Skyler, my 6 year old said the sweetest little prayer the other night. It's amazing to me how intuitive he is. Here goes: were thankful that Jesus went up on the cross, well we don't like that he was on the cross, but that he went on the cross so we could come to earth. Were thankfrul for money so we can have jobs and houses. We're thankful for adults so they can have kids and they can grow up and have their own kids. We love Jesus, Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost. He also prayed for everyone that was having surgery the next day. (We got a call that a member of our ward was having surgery and John went to the hospital and gave him a blessing.)

This is just part of this amazing prayer. All my children give amazing prayers and I am so proud of them. As most people know I am sick with headaches and each one of them blesses me that I will get better. It's amazing that these little spirits are so strong and pour out what is in their hearts at the time.

Another night we were sitting around the kitchen table and Jordan has been having a bit of a struggle and asked him if he remembered the Veggie Tale book "God made you special". Well, he said no and I went in and found it. We read it to them that night. So be went around the table and I ask each one of my children, why God made them special. Jordan came up with "God made me special by making me sensitive." Skyler said, "God made me special by making my back crooked." I don't remember what Dawson said because I don't think he totally understood.

What an example our children can be to us if we just take the time to listen to them; to watch them and be like them. I know I have. Life has been a rollercoaster ride for us lately but I know that we are blessed. I know that Heavenly Father knows us. And if we have more faith (which I'm working on myself) that he will bless us.

I just wanted to end with this poem that I liked that I found on another blog.

Why God Created Little Boys...

God made a world out of his dreams,

Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,

Prairies and plains and wooded land,

Then paused and thought, "I need someone to stand

On top of the mountains, to conquer the seas,

Explore the plains and climb the trees,

Someone to start out small and grow,

Sturdy, strong like a tree" and so...

He created boys, full of spirit and fun,

To explore and conquer, to romp and run,

With dirty faces, banged up chins,

With courageous hearts and boyish grins.

When He had completed the task He'd begun

He surely said, "That's a job well done."

New Blogger

Well, I decided not to wait to start a blog. I have enjoyed following other people's blogs so I decided that I would try this out. I'm really hesitant to do this but we'll see how it goes. A big thanks to Rachel for helping me get going. Here is a little thing to get to know me... (Sorry, Amber I stole this off your blog.) I thought it was cute and would allow people to get to know me a little as this is a whole new world for me.


A- Attached or single: Attached
B- Best Friend:(s) They know who they are!
C-Cake or Pie: Both
D- Day of Choice: Saturdays
E- Essential Item (s): Pillow and medication!!... (took pillow half way around world)
F- Favorite Color: Blue
G- Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears (but it has to be a certain kind)
H- Hometown: Roy (born and raised)
I- Indulgence(s): Sweets (changes just as John is getting use to what to buy!) Sweet Husband!
J- January or July: July! (so I can spend time with the kids and of course, my bday, john's bday and my anniversary too!)
K-Kids: 3 beautiful boys plus 1 husband and a dog = 5 (Wow! I always said I'd never have that many...
L-Like or Love: Both are essential!
M- Marriage Date: July 8, 2000 (civially) January 26, 2002 (eternally)
N- Number of Siblings: 1 Brother (Love and miss ya, Bret!)
O- Oranges or Apples: Oranges (especially clementines, ymmm...)
P- Phobias or Fears: None
Q- Quote(s)" Believe in Miracles"
R- Reason To Smile: Three miracle boys!
S- Season: They all have their benefits! Probably Fall!
T- Tag Six: Rachel, Steph, Jen, Leah, Brianna, JaLesha
U- Unknown Fact About Me: I don't know! I'm pretty open book even though that is changing.
V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: I love meat! (I just can't think about where it came from.) W- Worst Habit: Talking on the phone too long!!!!! (LOL)
X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Either (have had plenty of both!)
Y- Your Favorite Food: Potatoes
Z: Zodiac: Cancer