Proud Mama!!!

I want my boys to know how proud we are of them. John and I were looking at one of our old camera's yesterday and realized just how fast the kids have grown up. I was really having a hard time with it. I am so lucky to have these three special boys. They all have touched my life for different reasons and at times when I needed them the most.

Jordan,
I want you to know how proud I am of you. You were dealt a pretty tough life from the beginning but you've stayed strong. You were my light when I didn't have one. You were the reason that I went on living at times. In your 10 years you have been through more than a person your age should have to. You have had to deal with a father who decided to leave us. We know are blessed with an amazing man who you call "Daddy". We were so lucky because they are lots of kids who weren't so lucky. You made me grow up and realize that I wanted better for the both of us.

I look at you and realize that you are so much like me. You have surprised me so much lately about respect and helping others. You have chose not to be around people who have unappropriate language and behavior both at school and not.

I have enjoyed watching you and Skyler bond even if it is through Pokemon cards. I was so proud of you at Chucky Cheese when you used all your tokens and then went and got your prize and then helped your little brother without being asked.

I appreciate you helping me watch your brothers. Drawing them pictures even when you don't want to. Getting me icepacks, water, or whatever I need when I'm not feeling well. I should be taking care of you and instead you are always concerned about me and how I'm feeling.

Slow down your growing up way too fast. You came to us tonight at grandma's and said that sometimes you want to be with the adults and talk with us. Grandpa turned to me and said boy, did he grow up fast. He's right buddy! But your becoming an amazing young man that I love. Always remember our saying: I love you forever, for always, and no matter what.


Skyler,
You came into this world a fighter like your mama. You always had that sense about you that people want to be around. I can't believe that next month you will be going in for your 22nd or 23rd surgery. Boy, not many people can say that by the time they are six. Heavenly Father knew exactly that we needed you at that time in our lives. You were our angel that gave us hope. You pulled this family together and made us fight for all we had. We look back now and can't believe we all made it. I know this is just the beginning for you.

I remember when you had your anxiety disorder and was always afraid that people were going to hurt you and now look at you. You are so compassionate and caring. Your chosing to step outside of your comfort zone and make lots of friends.

I was such a proud mama to hear you sing the second verse of "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" and to hear your part in the Primary Program about you knowing that you'll be resurrected one day and have a perfect body. I know you believe that. We both know that God made you special by making your back crooked. Your deep heartfelt prayers that always seem to amaze me. The words that come out of your mouth that I don't even know. The respect that you show others.

I love your smile. It can light up a room. I'm proud of all your accomplishments in life as well. You have a special bond with people that I only dream of having. It's truly a gift. There are times that I don't feel worthy to be your mother.

Dawson,
My little cuddle bug. Heavenly Father knew I needed a break but I think he got it all wrong (just kidding). I love your mischevious little smile. We have been so blessed to have you be so healthy.

Your not my baby any more. You truly give us a run for our money but your were a welcomed addition and worth every penny. You bring spunk in our family which at times if much needed.

I'm so proud of you for memorizing your part in primary and for giving talks and for bearing your testimony. It's hard for mom to get up there but you are always so faithful in saying, "Is it testimony day?" "I want to say my testimony?" You are a true example to me.

I have enjoyed the last little while with you one on one. Your such a stinker but I'm glad your my little stinker. It seems like yesterday you were born. It's hard to imagine that your already 4 1/2. I love to watch you sleep so peacefully. Your so sweet and adorable.



I'm so proud of all my boys for some of the same reasons so I didn't repeat those but for different reasons too. I know I've forgotten a lot of things and so I might have to add to this but I know that you each came into my life at just the right time. They were all for different reasons and seasons but I'm grateful and proud to be their mother. Even though, I'm the mean mom, I know I'm teaching them right. And I know that they will probably come back when there grown and tell me all the things that I did wrong too. But I know that I've done the best I can with what I know and have. I've been so proud of the way you all have handled yourselves lately in certain situations. I have your primary teachers and school teachers tell me how well you behave. I don't know they're trick but I know it started here at home. You all are incredible and I will always love you forever, for always, and no matter what. I hope you remember that I will always be your best friend. I hope you don't get to old to want to talk to mom... I wanted a girl and I know you all did to but I will always be a proud mama of you three... Thank you God for MY BOYS!

Love Mom

Trials and Blessing

I have had so many thoughts running through my head the past few weeks and have been consumed by life. I am trying to change some things in my life and my perspective about the way I view things. This is very hard when you lived your life thinking one way and now your trying to change. Fall time is a very hard time for me. It brings back a lot of past memories of some really hard times in my life. I didn't even realize that I struggled so much until last year at this time. I'm trying to keep my blog as positive as I can but at the same time be real and true to myself because this is for me and is like my journal.

I have been so blessed lately to be able to see the Lord's hand in some things in my life. I have been asking for this and have always felt that I never have received answers or inspirations. But I know now that I was wrong. I wasn't in tune at those times or didn't realize that it was the Lord's hand in it until later.

About 2 weeks ago John and I were driving home from a dental appointment and we came off the freeway into Riverdale and there was a man with a sign saying something like "Hard times, anything helps". I'm not quite sure what it said but I looked around the van and noticed that we had a few dollars and I told John to give it to this man. John said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Yes!" because I never have done this before in the whole 8 years John and I have been together. I said to John to give it to him before the light changed but John waited and the light turned green and John gave this man the money. Well, wouldn't you know it a truck ran the red light and if we wouldn't have gave the guy the money or John wouldn't have waited it would have t-boned our van and hit John right on. I know that Heavenly Father inspired us that day.

I have a tendency to think negative about things and overanalyze everything. I always think that other people's situations are so much better than mine and they don't have relationship problems like I do, and so on and so forth. I had a very wise friend tell me after knowing me quite well that we were pretty normal and I didn't believe him until just recently.

I know Satan is real. I know that he is attacking the family. And it's working and to the best of people. Foundations that I thought could never be shook have been. Satan had a grasp on me for a long time. Many of you don't realize the past I have lived but I am blessed to have lived it. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for his plan and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations I have been through. I have been judged by many. People who said that I would never make it. People who can't believe that I am married in the temple. I am more empathetic and compassionate because of what I've been through.

I can help others through similiar situations and truly know how they feel. I don't understand the whole Plan of Salvation but I believe that I chose to have some things happen to me and to what extent I don't really know. I have struggled with mental illness for a long time. I know there are a lot of stigmas out there about his and I have to say that I've questioned myself and have had to come to grips with it. I have also been physically sick with headaches for 21 years now.

Through my pain and suffering I have two children that suffer. One in silence that many don't know about totally and of course the other that is quite obvious. To me, there is not one that is more disabling than the other. They are just different. It's hard to see your child hurt and know that you can't take away the pain.

My sister-in-law put a quote on her blog and I think it applies here and sorry Steph, I had to post it because it fits right in with what I'm feeling.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

President Thomas S. Monson

For our family it's not easy. I know it will be worth it. At times it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. A few days ago, I was struggling really bad and was really sick. I wanted for my Heavenly Father to just take me home. I'm sick of living in pain. I wish I could say that I was one of those people who never murmured of word of complaint but I can't and I won't hide it, though I'm learning to. It's just nice to know I'm not alone.

The Savior said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

BOYS NIGHT OUT!

Now this is my idea of a boy's night out. I have to say that my husband is superman. He worked all night on Thursday night and then we had to be at the hospital at 7:30 am Friday morning.

When we got home from the hospital he took the boys to the store to buy the ingredients to Rachel's chocolate lasagna cake that I really wanted (see his blog myamazingfamily.blogspot.com to see how that turned out).

I was proud of him for trying this recipe. Although it didn't work out like he would have liked it too. It really did taste good. My husband is amazing. Thank you John for spoiling me even when you shouldn't.


He then went outside and started setting up the tent with the boys. He dropped them off at primary program practice and only got 1 hr of sleep and then slept outside with the boys until about one in the morning. John said that they probably would have stayed outside all night but Skyler was complaining that he was cold so being the good dad that he is.


He brought all the boys in and about four in the morning Skyler woke up crying that he wasn't sleeping outside. He didn't remember being cold and was mad that daddy brought them in. I'm so proud of my boys for working together to put up the tent. I'm proud of John and Jordan for completing a scout requirement. It was nice to see the fun that the boys had. Oh, I left out the part that they chose to stay home and sleep outside with Dad when they'd been asking to spend the night at Grandma's for a couple of weeks. Good choice boys.









I was trying to sneak out after they went to sleep and get a picture but it was pitch black and the dog was jumping all over them so this is the best I got but it will do.


How precious and priceless!

Yes, SURGERY again...

We have decided that the "s" word is a swear word in our house. Can I say how much I hate Davis Hospital from how cheap they are with these cheezy paper gowns to there very rude post-op nurses. But on a good note, I love my doctor and the anesthesiologist was very nice and gave me options who which now I am very grateful for. (Long story)
I'm just glad that it's over. I had sinus surgery and was pretty anxious because of my anxiety about not being able to breath and pain control but it went pretty well. I just have to say sorry to my family for being a little cranky. I know after surgery I am not always the easiest person to be around. I hate general anesthesia, nurses and doctors that think they know you better than you. Don't respect you for knowing what you do... The ego's that get in the way of patient care really makes me mad. But so far so good but I'll find out Friday how successful the Dr. thinks the surgery was.

Wish me luck..

Chucky Cheese

Some friends and us decided to go have some fun at Chucky Cheese. The kids had so much fun. Here are just a few pictures and if you want all of them email me at nikkinjohn@msn.com. It was nice to get to know some of the couples that we didn't know very well and still enjoy the ones we did. Yes, it was hectic and crazy busy but for us the fun, happiness, and memories created out weighed all the money, dirt, and whatever else (don't like to think about that). My family had fun. It was nice to see Jordan helping Dawson spend his coins and then help him decide what he wanted. Were sad to see the Johnson's leaving because we were just really starting to get to know them and we know that they will be missed by all... (Amanda, keep up the bloggin' despite Nate's teasing) Were happy for you guys and keep in touch. Thanks to all for an eventful night of laughs that I really needed.

SNOW in OCTOBER!!

Snow in October and on Sunday when you have early morning church! Well let's just say I wasn't very happy. As we arrived at church and it was still snowing 3 hours later for a total of 11 inches. And my husband had the opportunity to go out and do fast packs in this lovely white stuff because there wasn't enough young men. Late to nap and early to rise... For all of you who don't know, John has to work Sunday night and so Sunday's are not always my favorite day because no matter what John has to have a nap. We have to go to church because John is Gospel Doctrine teacher and if he doesn't nap then it means he is up for about 20 or more hours. So needless to say I needed a nap and the boys are getting old enough that they can pretty much care for themselves. Hooray for these days!



Boys will be boys. They had been bugging me all day to go play in the snow. We sometimes go to my mom's on Sunday's for dinner and I was very tired from staying up to late and getting up to early so when we got home from church John and I took a little nap.



When we woke up Jordan said, "Grandma wants you to call her before we leave!" I was very suspicious and thought this was very strange because I didn't hear the phone ring and I always hear it ring. My kids have my parents phone number memorized so when there in trouble or something they always go sneak the phone and call. You guessed it, they called Grandma and told her that I told them that they couldn't play in the snow. I got up and called and "Grandma saved the day again." And the rest is history....



My angel making an angel!

SO FUNNY!

Okay, I admit I'm addicted between emailing and blogging! My dear friend, Amber emailed this to me and I thought it was so funny that I would just post it! Sorry for those of you that I forwarded it too already!


THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects ,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the s ix weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performanc e.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

Attention Fellow Bloggers and Friends

Please feel free to comment at any time! You don't have to be a blogger to comment all you have to do is hit comments and then leave your comment under anonymous...

I encourage all my friends to comment! This is for me and I do it because I like to and it gives me an out but also it's nice to hear and read comments from others.

I like reading comments on others blogs. (I know, it's blog stalking or something like that) But really, it gives me perception sometimes when I don't have it.

So Mom, Steph, Rachel!!! LOL :0) YOUR ALL ON NOTICE AND THAT'S AN ORDER! Just Kidding! Thanks to all you who do check and I would hope that you would keep checking.

I love you all!

Sneaky Boy and Surgery Update

I was sitting here this morning just checking email, browsing blogs and the internet and I could hear something and realized that I hadn't seen Dawson in awhile. So this is what I found. My sneaky little boy had gotten a DVD player and DVD and was quietly laying in his room with the door part way shut. BUSTED!








But it was still cute! Dawson your so adorable. I want to take this moment to say you bring joy into my life.
Just look at that smile! Who can resist you when you smile? It's so contagious and it hits me at all the right moments. When I need you the most all you have to do is smile.

I love you Dawson Ty Jeske!

This is so funny! Everytime John gets into bed the dog has to be right against him. It's like he's invading her space because really 5 nights a week that is her side of the bed. So when John is home and we are both in bed she always has to be touching him and if he moves then she'll move. LOL :) I think that it is hilarious. What a moment? Daddy and Lucky




Surgery Update:

I want to say thank you to my sweet husband for posting on my site while I was layed up. He has his own blog that he started awhile ago and was debating on whether to share mine or do his own. I finally yesterday got his background that he wanted to partially work so I think he'll keep his own. Okay, sorry I get sidetracked. LOL :) (long phone conversations) Surgery really went really well. Actually, it's like I didn't have surgery because I was in more pain before the surgery than after.
I have been naughty already and have been messing with the incisions and I intend to take the stitches out myself. (won't be a first) To clarify though, I am still having headaches everyday and they are still pretty bad. They have put me on a new meds and they aren't working either.

So many of you are probably asking what's next. I really don't know. I am open to suggestions. I might decide to trial this surgery again by MY doctor to see if it was a fluke or if it really did work. And if it does then get it reimplanted again. I am not quite sure. I'm desperate to find relief. I am not sure how about searching for someone out of state. My case is really complicated and a lot of doctors won't even touch it. Really I don't have the money to fly all over to see if they are any good or not. I haven't ruled anything out though. I have taken all the drugs, done all the procedures, tests, and surgeries including alternative medicine. Right now I am just living day by day and am grateful for another day with my family...

I have to admit that it's been so hard on my family, extended family included. I am trying to endure well but it's hard. There are times when I am in so much pain that I want to die. I have people that pray that I wake up every morning. I have children that worry themselves sick about me, that pray for me every night that I will get better. I have a husband that has to work and then come home and try to sleep a little and then take care of all the household things because it's so hard on me to do them. (Thanks, Johnny for doing it so gracefully) Most of the time I'm holding on by a thread. But yet I'm blessed to have another day!

Nikki's surgery

Yep! It's John again, I am posting to give the update on Nikki's surgery. She had her neuro-stimulator removed today. Saturday evening she started developing some severe pain at and between 2 of the incisions from when it was implanted. It wasn't working anyway, and because of the sudden onset of pain they decided to remove the device. In a way we are bummed because we wanted it to work sooooo bad, but since it wasn't it might as well be out.

Here she is before surgery:



and after:



The surgery seems to have gone very well, you almost can't even tell she had surgery by looking at the pictures. It must have been the anesthesia/drugs, because she has struggled a little since we left the surgical center. Mostly tired and nauseated. I'm trying to get her as much rest as possible, but she has already talked about getting out of the house. It will probably do her some good, she spends way too much time not feeling well. I hope she feels up to getting out, but I don't want her to push it...

Thank you to everyone who has her/us in your thoughts and prayers! We know we are blessed because of you!