Trials and Blessing

I have had so many thoughts running through my head the past few weeks and have been consumed by life. I am trying to change some things in my life and my perspective about the way I view things. This is very hard when you lived your life thinking one way and now your trying to change. Fall time is a very hard time for me. It brings back a lot of past memories of some really hard times in my life. I didn't even realize that I struggled so much until last year at this time. I'm trying to keep my blog as positive as I can but at the same time be real and true to myself because this is for me and is like my journal.

I have been so blessed lately to be able to see the Lord's hand in some things in my life. I have been asking for this and have always felt that I never have received answers or inspirations. But I know now that I was wrong. I wasn't in tune at those times or didn't realize that it was the Lord's hand in it until later.

About 2 weeks ago John and I were driving home from a dental appointment and we came off the freeway into Riverdale and there was a man with a sign saying something like "Hard times, anything helps". I'm not quite sure what it said but I looked around the van and noticed that we had a few dollars and I told John to give it to this man. John said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Yes!" because I never have done this before in the whole 8 years John and I have been together. I said to John to give it to him before the light changed but John waited and the light turned green and John gave this man the money. Well, wouldn't you know it a truck ran the red light and if we wouldn't have gave the guy the money or John wouldn't have waited it would have t-boned our van and hit John right on. I know that Heavenly Father inspired us that day.

I have a tendency to think negative about things and overanalyze everything. I always think that other people's situations are so much better than mine and they don't have relationship problems like I do, and so on and so forth. I had a very wise friend tell me after knowing me quite well that we were pretty normal and I didn't believe him until just recently.

I know Satan is real. I know that he is attacking the family. And it's working and to the best of people. Foundations that I thought could never be shook have been. Satan had a grasp on me for a long time. Many of you don't realize the past I have lived but I am blessed to have lived it. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for his plan and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations I have been through. I have been judged by many. People who said that I would never make it. People who can't believe that I am married in the temple. I am more empathetic and compassionate because of what I've been through.

I can help others through similiar situations and truly know how they feel. I don't understand the whole Plan of Salvation but I believe that I chose to have some things happen to me and to what extent I don't really know. I have struggled with mental illness for a long time. I know there are a lot of stigmas out there about his and I have to say that I've questioned myself and have had to come to grips with it. I have also been physically sick with headaches for 21 years now.

Through my pain and suffering I have two children that suffer. One in silence that many don't know about totally and of course the other that is quite obvious. To me, there is not one that is more disabling than the other. They are just different. It's hard to see your child hurt and know that you can't take away the pain.

My sister-in-law put a quote on her blog and I think it applies here and sorry Steph, I had to post it because it fits right in with what I'm feeling.

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

President Thomas S. Monson

For our family it's not easy. I know it will be worth it. At times it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. A few days ago, I was struggling really bad and was really sick. I wanted for my Heavenly Father to just take me home. I'm sick of living in pain. I wish I could say that I was one of those people who never murmured of word of complaint but I can't and I won't hide it, though I'm learning to. It's just nice to know I'm not alone.

The Savior said, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."